Reflexive Thought #5 - Autumn and the view outside my windows......

The object of affection is such a reflection

of our former and/or present personalities;

a jewel of the unconscious autonomy.

-Reflection  in solipsism

 Reflexive Thought #5 -

Autumn and the view outside my windows......

This time of year is one in moments of hibernation. In this incubation, we learn to shed our skin and unveil many different feelings and emotions. Much like the myriad of trees and plants shedding an amalgamation of colorful leaves on the many green pastures on this earth, we will reveal many different thoughts within ourselves from the containment in sustainable periods of time throughout the present and/or former years. The future is never thought about; its the present that represents this unmasking in it cloak of realism.

I wrote this little idyll-prose this morning while I took a bus ride to school. I had this emotional erupting ascend from my present subconscious at that time. These emotional-pouring unveiled itself in a moment of self- unawareness.

I am at a pivotal point in my life right now. I about to obtain a goal while disrupting this tension that has tried to keep me shackled for years. I am not one who gives up nor lay down. I am a compassionate, honest, humble man. I wish to remain as harmless as possible. I want to contain, in my  mind, the many attributes aligning me with a duality in balance upon my path toward enlightenment and goal attainment.

For those of you who read this, enjoy; I hope you learn from this peace of my unconscious reflection. I am not devoid of reality nor am I an "all-seeing" philosopher of the universe. I am just a simple man making his way through the many avenues we call life. This is a piece of where my mind is presently roaming in one of those avenues............

AUTUMN & THINKING OF YOU

Autumn is in full bloom. As I walk down the sidewalk from the bus passing all the Language Arts building to Psychology Building for Japanese. I look to the left and see all the leaves decorate the lawn as they shed their summer and spring full sprout blossomed herbal leafiness.

Usually, some people feel lonely this time of year. Out of touch with family, friends, and loved ones. I have learned to grow accustom to enjoying such isolation, autonomy and freshness. These moment grow into solipsis bubble where regret, reflect, recollect, and memory become tools of leverage in this isolate state.

Usually, I start with the sad memories and work toward the good memories. As I, always, discard the ugly episodes, and embrace the beautiful episodes.

This issue of loneliness should never be something malignant for I receive plenty intellect and warmth from these moments. It's as pure as drinking a cup of tea in the morning while your mind is free from exhaustion and the noises in the background is saturated by this moment in silence. It's comforting like when I wear my favorite wear sweater while walking around in 50 degree weather around campus, in the city or on the beach. It's sparkles like the smile on your face while you are engrossed in laughter and conversation with friends or colleagues.      

Those images provides me with a spindle of emotion and a bundle of knowledge in my well being that a tear falls from my eyes streaming down my face on my cheek on to my beard as its soaked into the forest of hair follicles on my chin..... so pure, so illuminating, so lively, so lovely. I am alive....I am compassionate.....I am experiencing.....Buddhaness.
    

Haiku:

Leaves fall asunder,

A man walks in wonderness,

a root of tranquility.

Reflexive Thought #4 - Reflection in travel........

As we voyage onto the unknown in this lifetime, 

we become familiar with the known. 

This familiarity render a strength in fate.

As one does travel,

one become autonomous from the illusions of recollections.

Thus, modernity become distance from 

these delusions in transition......

-Anonymous 

Reflection in travel....

Reflexive thought #4 - Reflection in travel

I was looking at some of the photos of a friend of mine I met a couple years back while I attended SF State. He is from  Tokyo, Japan. His name is Naoki. We hung out a couple times, you know 'Bro-dates' in San Francisco. We went to see a live  band performing various DJ Shadow's songs while he took photos of us in our mischievous moments at the event (we even met DJ Shadow in front of the club, real chill homey); also, he, Keiko, two other people, and myself all drove out to the Mountainview Shoreline Amphitheater to watch Bjork perform one of her legendary set,s and we both went to see Mono perform at the same venue of the DJ Shadow live band, I was videotaping the show while he sat upstairs in the Mezzanine sleeping with his arms folded over his chest in a chair, I wish I had a picture of it. This venue was the legendary Great American Music Hall.

As it turns out, Naoki returned to Tokyo after that last semester of studying at SF State. He went back to his life over there in Japan while I was able to follow and communicate via Facebook. After a year has passed, he posted on Facebook that he moved to Singapore to work for a newspaper. I was very excited and in awe of this event.

Recently he has begun to post photos of his travels there in southeast Asia, a place I wish to call home real soon). I was on Facebook and saw he posted some new photos. In my heralded excitement, I saw these series of photos where from Nepal.

Traveling is probably one of the most addictive activities in the world. I love traveling for the extreme limitlessness adventure. The purity of the gem is the priceless moments of breathing air in another hemisphere of the world, listening to the constant chatter of locals in their native dialects, which are foreign to our ears, sleeping in a bed, a floor, a couch, or a spot different from the comforts of your native abode, it all become this relative out-of-body experience. Your senses are infested with myriad of emotions like a ball of flurries dispersing in the winds in the fields of dandelions planted in a soils rich as the liquor you drink from the bar that is across the street from the cafe of the building where your hotel is located.

Aaaaahhhhh! The true beauty of civility is the severity of reality! The reality is he's there. Everything is pure. Everything is illuminate. Everything is real. Every photo he encapsulates with his camera, is as if, he took pen to paper writing every moment, feature, and detail of his travel progressing in the movement of every minute ticking by the seconds increasing on the hours of the days in the week he is inhabiting the culture of Nepal.

I am sure Buddha is touching his soul right now. I would love to touch that same soil, that same sky with my heart, my hands, my body, my skin, my hair, my soul while soaring the different patches of land as an eagle gliding over the Himalayan heavens to greeting the great masters of compassion and enlightenment. For know I have such a long road is an ultimate test in spiritual practice and soulful assessment of my existence. I see this travel as a investment in the soul's kitchen cooking up the porridge of mantras from the lips and breathes of the blessed lama deep in the temples of the Himalayas.

Damn, Naoki, you kicking it with Papi Buddha. He's the butter of the delicious milk tea from the Gobi Desert sands of time and the grassland fields of Ulaanbaatar that I have been hearing about. There is no other way to put it. You are on the level 5th,. 6th, and 7th level of the pathos that can touch the soul. Your feet are like kindred spirits with each step has a golden touch. How surreal? How appealing? How dazzling? You are living the life that many can only read, imagine, and memorize in the hoo-hum in moderation. That's the sensation. You have become the teacher to amateur apprentice of living the dream: traveling on the road.

I just want to conclude my man, that "YOU ARE THE MAN!" You need to keep doing "pimping Nihonjin!" Your sukiyaki BANG is the ZANG that keep the TANG tasting like RAIN! Yeah! My man, one day we will be chilling holding glasses or mug in each  of our hands and toasting to the beauty of life and the cultures we have yet to experience their profound glory, history, and purity of existence.

I wrote this reflection as a reminder to myself, and to whoever is reading this. If you have a dream. It does not stop unless you stop walking, stop talking, stop thinking, and stop breathing the morsel of air seeping in to your pours to your veins into the dendrites, axon, and cells to electrify your brain. You must understand people, we all have a reason to live as we have a reason to die. If you can't envision yourself doing the things you love then you can't truly understand what love is. This is life and how you live it is how you believe in life itself.

Peace from the hearts, the souls, and the minds of those like Naoki and myself, who will make things happen in our lives. Regardless of our own culture references to validity; we have learned that our knowledge, and our power in education has opened roads to vast and wide avenue far and wide!!!

Haiku

I asked a monk if

"If is rain does it pour?"

Monk said, "Why should it rain to pour?"

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #3

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #3: " Reflexive Thought - A Ridiculous Rambling About Love? I was reading Dostoevsky's The Dream of a Ridiculous Man while taking the train t..."

Reflexive Thought #3

 Reflexive Thought - A Ridiculous Rambling About Love?

I was reading Dostoevsky's The Dream of a Ridiculous Man while taking the train to downtown 7th Street Metro station. In the beginning of Part IV, he wrote, "All right, suppose it was nothing but a dream; still, the sensation of love left in me by those pure and beautiful people has stayed with me always. I still, to this day, feel their love flying out of me...."

I kind of thought about those sentence I read when the train arrived into 7th Street Station. Love?  I am in hysterical laughter at the thought of it; plus, I recollect to the many episodes, in which, I believed, I felt, or I thought that I was in love. It is such thin concept to me, now. I know there is more to love then what I have experience in my recollections. From this inquisitive after thought, I take a minute to reflect with a cup of Chamomile Tea at the downtown Starbucks (Where have all the real coffeehouses gone? I miss the smell of real Cappuccino! Ah!).

In this introspective state, I procure the following questions:
How do we know we are in it? Love?
How do we know when we feel? Love?
How can we Sense it? Touch it? Taste it? See it? or, Define it? Love?

Pure and simple, we don't know when. It something unpredictable. Love has been defined in myriad journals, books, poems, idylls, lyrics, movies, videos, painting, drawings, songs and proses, etc. I, myself, can't even account when I have been truly in love for the many romantic-manic episodes I have relished in; whether, they were relationships, dates, or marriages. Yeah, I said the dreaded M word 'marriage.' Yuck! However, the inference remains to be open to interpretation, which is: Why we have these manic episodes of love? Because, I believe, in my situation, that I didn't understand the conditions of love at the time I supposedly felt I was in love. What a stupid as to be caught in such a funk like a fink!

When we say we are in love, we have to account for certainty. Not calamity! To claim love in an assumptive manner, is a claim left empty by thoughtless action derived from pure hyperactivity, basically, 'Mania.' What is the rush? When we get struck by this chord of love? What is the rush? When we want to obtain this emotional experience? When in this state, we all seem to be as little children in a candy store with a hand full of cash and eyes wide open to all the delicious-sweet treats our sinful hearts desire.....

Desire? Now, that word has some relation to love. For in desire, we transform into this state of objectification in longing or in attachment to accolade(s) to represent our suffering. This suffering, supposedly, will relinquish the cessation toward a reward cloaked in love.

Suffering? Another word associated in the influence of one's desire toward an accolade that represents what one's objectification has influenced this cessation. In this cessation, their is much pain, sacrifice that postulates into an result of obtaining the object that represents our love.

In all, those few words are as close as I could describe as love, or that feeling of what is love. Whether it is imagined or obtained in simple purity. One thing is for certain from my bouts of love, I have learned in the past year, from last summer until now, is there is the one thing we all must face in our voyage upon attaining this powerful entity of human behavior: ourselves. We all have been raised by the grand idea that love is this magical spectacle you can obtain if you were to follow certain behavioral cues with the right job, the right car, the right people, the right personality, the right words, the right clothes, the right shoes, or even, the right hairstyle. That, this phenomenon can conquer all and sooth our souls.

Yes. Maybe, love could do that very thing; however, I am sorry to tell some of you; this is not necessarily correct, in most cases. If you are going to be truly in love, first, you have to believe, to cherish and to love yourself.

Loving yourself is reflexive of how we will see others in ourselves, as well, how we will dress, how we will live, how we will diet, how we will conquer, and who we will survive amongst others. Every decision we make and every thing we do will be reflexive of what we see in ourselves. If, we can't love yourself, then being in love with another person, a piece of art work, a song, and an idea, will not fill the void that hallows away in our hearts. A hallow barrel the size of a shotgun barrel. This scare will remain to tarnish our existences while we search for the one thing that can answer the question that separates us from the truth of love That truth being: ourselves. It's reflexive of who we are as human beings.

Man, talking about running in circles. I rather be in a rocking chair sippin' on a lemonade while watching the sunset and smokin' a fat bowl from the pipe of love. The pipe I made from love. Now, that is a great image of love; knowing, I have already contain it, and obtained it, in myself.  Perhaps, this may have answered some of the questions of love in myself and for ourselves. Perhaps, just perhaps this is love.

Reflexive Thought #2

Reflexive Thought - How low can I make myself go?

Rollins Band Low Self Opinion Lyrics:
I think you got a low self opinion man
I see you standing all by yourself
Unable to express the
pain of your distress
You withdraw deeper inside
You alienate yourself
And everybody else
They wonder what's on your mind
They got so tired of you
And your self ridicule
They wrote you off and left you behind........

 

I remember when I heard this song years ago. Rollins is always on the level and he knows his shit! The hedonistic savage poet of the spoken word rhyme. He always on the dime. Always. I keep think about how I projected my self as years rolled on. 

This song personifies an individual in a tug-of-war with the reality of being low. I mean 'low' & 'feeble.' That songs rings in my head everytime I think of how I had many times set myself up for the dramarama! Not drama from outside my reach, but drama when it came to females and confidence in my endeavors. The ability to make myself feel so low. It was bullshit!

I kept experiencing this 'bullshit' as time went on until I reached a point of 'lowness;' that point where patheticness  wasn't exist, because you've exhausted beyond recognition to become synonymous with 'utter shameful stupidity (break out the tissues & violins Irene).' I could not endure the disappointment and sadness I restricted myself to. The punishment was exhausting. I was exhausted. I couldn't take it any more. I think it hit me hard when I left San Francisco last summer around May. The environment was vicious, the people were unbearable, and I was wasting my time trying to accomplish a goal in a place where the rules are not in accord with my lifestyle. Everywhere I went and everyone I met was like a brick wall that I kept pounding with my fist and screaming at the top of my lungs until I lost my voice! Unbearable!

The temptation to feel this 'lowness,' this 'emptiness,' this 'patheticness' is the perfect example of someone who is at strife with their self! The strife for what exactly? This strife could not go on any longer. 

This is when, I start to reflect back to my youth. I remember my 7th grade social studies class at East Millbrook Middle School in Raleigh, NC. In social studies class, I watched many films and read chapters on many different martyrs and civil rights leaders in history around the world. For instance, M. Gandhi, G. Maier, M.L. King, Jr., and Malcolm X, etc. The one thing I learned from these people was they sacrificed for those who suffered. They believe if they were to suffer as they people or suffer while the people suffered there would be some sort of change. I believe in this power to suffer, but what I did not take into account was the result from this action. The other thing was who would join me in this suffering? That probably what attracted me to punk music. The lifestyle was geared toward social change. I believed I could make a difference.

As years passed on, the only difference I saw was the economy, politics, my finances, my residences, my friends, my jobs, and my opportunities all putting me into a box. I was emotionally-physically abused by my stepfather, heavily as a child, but my suffering was focused upon sacrifice for a sociological standpoint (this abuse wasn't a focal point in my 'lowness,' but it did help keep the weight on my shoulder during sometime in my adolescent and early adult years). Yeah, I was always swindled out of money. That seem to be the only motivation I saw by others. Their motivation to gain more money, in which they would haqve more power. More power of what? 

 

I am a person who literally follows a creed; I would follow these philosophies or rules without breaking from theme; yet, everyone around was always breaking the rules. Everyone was being wishy-washy! Yet, I knew that I would learn something from this attitude and gain a greater respect for myself and for those I respect. But, what was it and when would I?

This apex finally arrived when my self-loathing behavior it a high note! I would literally deprave myself until I realized, 'I didn't have to live this way!' Finally, that light bulb turned on! Valhalla! I thought at that moment, 'Why do I even bother to care about them or what they think?' I would tell myself that 'I didn't care' until one day I stop telling myself to not care about the bullshit! Exactly, my detachment from this circus I called 'truth' and evolve to something called "self-respect.'

I decided one day, "I want to have better food, better women, better drink, better times, better clothes, better relationships, better travel, better adventures, and a better life." I wanted to live my life. I wanted to stop letting myself be a punching bag for others, at the same time, punching myself in the balls! I want to exhale this BULLSHIT and inhale THE REAL SHIT! I wanted to be the REAL ME! I wanted my mojo, my fire back! I wanted my life back! I wanted to taste some respect! Some self-respect!

Ever since, I decided to go for it! To DO IT! I have not returned to that sad motherfucker I use to call 'Me.' I chose to be the man I am! I am not backing down from nobody. I am not running from nobody. I am thinking about the past. I am in the present. I am in the Self. I am in the Respect. I am in the Desire. I am in the Design. It is all there! I can taste it, the pleasure to live the life I know I can live.

 

 

I want to thank the Buddha, The Rollins Band, the Self, and the many other individuals, philosophers, experiences, fiends, friends, foes, allies, haters, lovers, nay-sayers, hip-hop hoorayers out there who just get it done! When you get so tired of being 'low,' what do you expect to do? Where do you expect to go? Well, I know I am not going no where. I am going to face it head on like I suffered. I know there are consequences, but these consequences lead to rewards to birth one's confidence. To end he silence in suffering!

 

This blog is dedicated to the ones who hurt inside! You don;t need to live that way! It is time to sacrifice...the suffering. Otherwise, there will never be no peace, just suffering; Don't turn your body, your mind, and your soul into a prison; turn it into a passion-machine!

Rollins Band - You Didn't Need

I'm not down
I can't deny it
I didn't want it but I got it anyway
I didn't want it and I couldn't get away
Even though it hurts inside
I miss you
I keep a lie alive
In my dreams I kiss you

Everything I said to you
I wrack my brain trying to remember
I wreck my brain trying to dismember
I'm sorry I still feel this pain inside
It shows on my face like a scar
Some people are better left alone
Any part attached to you
It's something I can't hide
It hurts so much when you have nothing to say
It hurts so much to have to walk away

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #1 - My Summer Vacation

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #1 - My Summer Vacation: "My Summer Vacation I am sitting in my apartment. It's around 12 noon. I have 3 to 4 weeks before Fall Semester starts again. This has bee..."

Reflexive Thought #1 - My Summer Vacation

My Summer Vacation

 I am sitting in my apartment. It's around 12 noon. I have 3 to 4 weeks before Fall Semester starts again. This has been one chill summer vacation. I have actually had plenty of time to reflect and think about my next steps toward achieving my goals. I have learned in situations like this that these steps are to be taken cautiously. Every move I make is done with the utmost caution. Hmmm....this behavioral cue is a clue to my revitalized state of mind.

Furthermore, I say to myself at this moment, "This is the best summer I have ever had." I was immobile. I was tolerable. I was silent. I was selective. I was patient. I was introspective. I was clever. I am better than ever. I used this time to invest my energy into endeavors, which to illuminate my personality. I had time to practice a better diet, cook natural-healthy food, and balance a budget. I had time to read books. I had time to start writing my very first book. I had opportunity to see some concerts, visit some museum exhibits, drink at a pub, experience some events, and sun bath at the beach, I had time to plan my next vacation, traveling exploits. I had time to plan my classes for the next two years before graduating from school. I had time to set-up some projects. I, even, had time to sleep, relax, rest, and release.

Why am I saying all of this? Because, it needs to be said. Sometimes, we all need a break. Sometimes, we all can be so overwhelmed in life that we never get time to rest, to think, to breathe, or to live; these distractions, illusions can pile up to a point that barricade us from our humble beginnings before the this sudden maelstrom. This summer was truly a vacation. It had nothing to really do with traveling to different countries or different cities, or going to numerous parties, or getting heavily inebriated to the point of no return, or having lots of money to waste, although it never hurts to have some of it in moment like these.

This vacation was truly a sigh of relief. This vacation was the first time in my life I began to see where I am headed in my life. From what I can I have seen, my present is headed in the right place. When your senses and mind are lucid; you will have total autonomy in your life. It's a wonderful feeling to have control of your life & mind. This feeling makes you feel alive again. I feel just like that; Alive.

I have had some much time to reflect, revise, regress, and revamp my spirit. It was a gift that no once could have ever replace or given to me in a more opportune moment. It meant a whole lot to breath fresh air again (Well, the smog present in the LA air is not what we could call fresh, but it will do).

I am ready for the next level. I am ready for what is to come, and the best part is I can utilize my energy, my tools, and my efforts to make the present state procures the image of my future state. I live in the present for the past has vanquished and the future is an illusion. I don't believe in illusions or talk of delusions. I think of the now. I feel of the now! It is happening; right now!

What I am writing at this moment.
What I hear at this present moment.
What I fell at this present moment.
What I see at this present moment.

I see a computer screen with words from my mind to this page to your eyes reading these words to fill your mind with these thoughts then your thoughts which becomes our thoughts of many thoughts. Now, you are connected to the kinetic energy of the present. Its omnipresent.Your future is your present. A matter fact your future is now. The last word is now!