The Art of the Self - The Challenge (What to do about Fear?)

I just finished soaking in my rusty old bathtub. This small studio is like a shack about to fall apart from a busted stilt keeping the whole building up! After my hot-bath, I toweled myself down and went to my resistance band workout! I need the burn in my shoulders. My pre-train workout. I will keep this up for another week before I start back weight training, shadow-boxing (and sparring, I hope my boku Yoshi is up to it. He has the Kenpo and I have Shotokan -Kickbox), jogging, climbing, and yoga. There is another tournament coming up 5 months from now. I want total preparation for this one. The challenge this time is to exceed my own expectations and win; my appearance was the first step, yet the knowledge and the expertise I contain should be known to myself in a more productive manner; my translation: start whooping that ass!

Fear is the one thing we must all conquer to cross a gap when in a challenge. I learned my fear was not to have a passion to inflict and to hurt other in competition. These tournament have been designed to test one's skill and courage when in a situation requiring hand-to-hand combat! From what I have observed and experience from the past two tournaments, there is another territory in the level of competition. I believe, I am one of the few competing because it is what I love to do. There are others competing for reasons that are lucrative and beneficial for their livelihood and reputations. Pride is a dangerous motivator; this motivation method is viciously prevalent in some of the competitors. It's their fuel to breath a fire to ignite their passions.

My passion for this sport was natural as a fan. This sport become apart of my life back in high school at Cary High in North Carolina. Before I wrestle for Cary High, I used to watch the wrestling programs like WWF, NWA, and AWA, etc. I remember the many wrestling superstars and when they invented the Superbowl of wrestling with the introduction of Wrestlemania and Starcade! I loved watching the wrestlers and the different techniques they practice and performed in front of live audiences. I love reading the magazines at the 7-11 Eleven's and grocery stores as a young kid. I discovered that wrestling existed in Japan, South America, and other cultures (that is this entertainment wrestling).

As time moved on, I become a member of the JV football squad at Cary High in my sophomore year. There was this one day at practice when the season was ending when Coach Winterton showed the football players a wrestling takedown move on Mike Dunham (it was a sprawl of Mike's double leg attempt). A light bulb lite in my mind and I discovered my sport, my passion. I was pretty good my first two years; I went undefeated my second year as a JV wrestler winning matches and tournaments, but my senior year I was a varsity member and close to becoming a conference champ, a regional placer, and a state qualifier. However, outside the practice room life was not harmonious. I had a very troublesome home life with an drug-addicted abusive step-father to boot.  This sort of thing really can be a barrier in a young person's life. When an opportunity present itself for a youngster to accomplish goals only to have it hinder by a peer or adult bringing their own demons into someone's life. It has devastating consequences. I was very naive at the time to the severity of these actions upon my life. I didn't know the opportunities that awaited me; had I not fallen deeper into an abysmal of rapture that cause this i would have take this road of sovereignty.

Now, diagnosis of my fear. This diagnosis entails: How, I am so afraid of what I could accomplish, because i don't want to take away from someone what they are trying to build for themselves. How, I don't want to be selfish and create a barrier for others for my own selfish reasons of progression. However, years have passed and I have always been the one to be left bleeding. My heart is very good and very compassionate one, but not everyone has such a special spirit. I let my fear become my worst enemy like a crutch keeping a crippled from falling. I let my fear keep my shackle to the floor of a cage never to rise like smoke from a flame. I let my fear hinder my success; I gave too much compassion and not enough aggression when in competition or when in progression in any endeavor. This is what they mean by the "cessations of suffering."

From this examine the echo that followed so profoundly bellowed-hue: I understand now, I am capable in my skill as a grappler. I understand now, I am as strong and as intelligent as I once was when I began being a grappler. I understand now, I must allow my balance to be complete in asserting my fury and my passion to be a survivor. I must assess and exert my aggression as well as my compassion to be a completely balanced athlete. I want to win and if I am to win I must see this as survival on the mat while inside the circle. This is my fuel to ignite my passion to spark the flame to keep the fire brewing a spirit into the cessations of nothingness. This is my belief. I must have a mind of total clarity, peace to extract the harmony and the disharmony to combat these competitors. I have to convert fear into my tool. A tool of nothingness.

I believe in my capabilities, and this believe is a reason I am about to progress and conquer the Self in my quest for enlightenment. I was so glad to say this to myself this morning while soaking away in my rusty old tub. It's like kicking it in an Onsen in Kyoto. It is where i do my best thinking for about an hour or two out of the week. It has become my sanctuary.