REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #3

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #3: " Reflexive Thought - A Ridiculous Rambling About Love? I was reading Dostoevsky's The Dream of a Ridiculous Man while taking the train t..."

Reflexive Thought #3

 Reflexive Thought - A Ridiculous Rambling About Love?

I was reading Dostoevsky's The Dream of a Ridiculous Man while taking the train to downtown 7th Street Metro station. In the beginning of Part IV, he wrote, "All right, suppose it was nothing but a dream; still, the sensation of love left in me by those pure and beautiful people has stayed with me always. I still, to this day, feel their love flying out of me...."

I kind of thought about those sentence I read when the train arrived into 7th Street Station. Love?  I am in hysterical laughter at the thought of it; plus, I recollect to the many episodes, in which, I believed, I felt, or I thought that I was in love. It is such thin concept to me, now. I know there is more to love then what I have experience in my recollections. From this inquisitive after thought, I take a minute to reflect with a cup of Chamomile Tea at the downtown Starbucks (Where have all the real coffeehouses gone? I miss the smell of real Cappuccino! Ah!).

In this introspective state, I procure the following questions:
How do we know we are in it? Love?
How do we know when we feel? Love?
How can we Sense it? Touch it? Taste it? See it? or, Define it? Love?

Pure and simple, we don't know when. It something unpredictable. Love has been defined in myriad journals, books, poems, idylls, lyrics, movies, videos, painting, drawings, songs and proses, etc. I, myself, can't even account when I have been truly in love for the many romantic-manic episodes I have relished in; whether, they were relationships, dates, or marriages. Yeah, I said the dreaded M word 'marriage.' Yuck! However, the inference remains to be open to interpretation, which is: Why we have these manic episodes of love? Because, I believe, in my situation, that I didn't understand the conditions of love at the time I supposedly felt I was in love. What a stupid as to be caught in such a funk like a fink!

When we say we are in love, we have to account for certainty. Not calamity! To claim love in an assumptive manner, is a claim left empty by thoughtless action derived from pure hyperactivity, basically, 'Mania.' What is the rush? When we get struck by this chord of love? What is the rush? When we want to obtain this emotional experience? When in this state, we all seem to be as little children in a candy store with a hand full of cash and eyes wide open to all the delicious-sweet treats our sinful hearts desire.....

Desire? Now, that word has some relation to love. For in desire, we transform into this state of objectification in longing or in attachment to accolade(s) to represent our suffering. This suffering, supposedly, will relinquish the cessation toward a reward cloaked in love.

Suffering? Another word associated in the influence of one's desire toward an accolade that represents what one's objectification has influenced this cessation. In this cessation, their is much pain, sacrifice that postulates into an result of obtaining the object that represents our love.

In all, those few words are as close as I could describe as love, or that feeling of what is love. Whether it is imagined or obtained in simple purity. One thing is for certain from my bouts of love, I have learned in the past year, from last summer until now, is there is the one thing we all must face in our voyage upon attaining this powerful entity of human behavior: ourselves. We all have been raised by the grand idea that love is this magical spectacle you can obtain if you were to follow certain behavioral cues with the right job, the right car, the right people, the right personality, the right words, the right clothes, the right shoes, or even, the right hairstyle. That, this phenomenon can conquer all and sooth our souls.

Yes. Maybe, love could do that very thing; however, I am sorry to tell some of you; this is not necessarily correct, in most cases. If you are going to be truly in love, first, you have to believe, to cherish and to love yourself.

Loving yourself is reflexive of how we will see others in ourselves, as well, how we will dress, how we will live, how we will diet, how we will conquer, and who we will survive amongst others. Every decision we make and every thing we do will be reflexive of what we see in ourselves. If, we can't love yourself, then being in love with another person, a piece of art work, a song, and an idea, will not fill the void that hallows away in our hearts. A hallow barrel the size of a shotgun barrel. This scare will remain to tarnish our existences while we search for the one thing that can answer the question that separates us from the truth of love That truth being: ourselves. It's reflexive of who we are as human beings.

Man, talking about running in circles. I rather be in a rocking chair sippin' on a lemonade while watching the sunset and smokin' a fat bowl from the pipe of love. The pipe I made from love. Now, that is a great image of love; knowing, I have already contain it, and obtained it, in myself.  Perhaps, this may have answered some of the questions of love in myself and for ourselves. Perhaps, just perhaps this is love.

Reflexive Thought #2

Reflexive Thought - How low can I make myself go?

Rollins Band Low Self Opinion Lyrics:
I think you got a low self opinion man
I see you standing all by yourself
Unable to express the
pain of your distress
You withdraw deeper inside
You alienate yourself
And everybody else
They wonder what's on your mind
They got so tired of you
And your self ridicule
They wrote you off and left you behind........

 

I remember when I heard this song years ago. Rollins is always on the level and he knows his shit! The hedonistic savage poet of the spoken word rhyme. He always on the dime. Always. I keep think about how I projected my self as years rolled on. 

This song personifies an individual in a tug-of-war with the reality of being low. I mean 'low' & 'feeble.' That songs rings in my head everytime I think of how I had many times set myself up for the dramarama! Not drama from outside my reach, but drama when it came to females and confidence in my endeavors. The ability to make myself feel so low. It was bullshit!

I kept experiencing this 'bullshit' as time went on until I reached a point of 'lowness;' that point where patheticness  wasn't exist, because you've exhausted beyond recognition to become synonymous with 'utter shameful stupidity (break out the tissues & violins Irene).' I could not endure the disappointment and sadness I restricted myself to. The punishment was exhausting. I was exhausted. I couldn't take it any more. I think it hit me hard when I left San Francisco last summer around May. The environment was vicious, the people were unbearable, and I was wasting my time trying to accomplish a goal in a place where the rules are not in accord with my lifestyle. Everywhere I went and everyone I met was like a brick wall that I kept pounding with my fist and screaming at the top of my lungs until I lost my voice! Unbearable!

The temptation to feel this 'lowness,' this 'emptiness,' this 'patheticness' is the perfect example of someone who is at strife with their self! The strife for what exactly? This strife could not go on any longer. 

This is when, I start to reflect back to my youth. I remember my 7th grade social studies class at East Millbrook Middle School in Raleigh, NC. In social studies class, I watched many films and read chapters on many different martyrs and civil rights leaders in history around the world. For instance, M. Gandhi, G. Maier, M.L. King, Jr., and Malcolm X, etc. The one thing I learned from these people was they sacrificed for those who suffered. They believe if they were to suffer as they people or suffer while the people suffered there would be some sort of change. I believe in this power to suffer, but what I did not take into account was the result from this action. The other thing was who would join me in this suffering? That probably what attracted me to punk music. The lifestyle was geared toward social change. I believed I could make a difference.

As years passed on, the only difference I saw was the economy, politics, my finances, my residences, my friends, my jobs, and my opportunities all putting me into a box. I was emotionally-physically abused by my stepfather, heavily as a child, but my suffering was focused upon sacrifice for a sociological standpoint (this abuse wasn't a focal point in my 'lowness,' but it did help keep the weight on my shoulder during sometime in my adolescent and early adult years). Yeah, I was always swindled out of money. That seem to be the only motivation I saw by others. Their motivation to gain more money, in which they would haqve more power. More power of what? 

 

I am a person who literally follows a creed; I would follow these philosophies or rules without breaking from theme; yet, everyone around was always breaking the rules. Everyone was being wishy-washy! Yet, I knew that I would learn something from this attitude and gain a greater respect for myself and for those I respect. But, what was it and when would I?

This apex finally arrived when my self-loathing behavior it a high note! I would literally deprave myself until I realized, 'I didn't have to live this way!' Finally, that light bulb turned on! Valhalla! I thought at that moment, 'Why do I even bother to care about them or what they think?' I would tell myself that 'I didn't care' until one day I stop telling myself to not care about the bullshit! Exactly, my detachment from this circus I called 'truth' and evolve to something called "self-respect.'

I decided one day, "I want to have better food, better women, better drink, better times, better clothes, better relationships, better travel, better adventures, and a better life." I wanted to live my life. I wanted to stop letting myself be a punching bag for others, at the same time, punching myself in the balls! I want to exhale this BULLSHIT and inhale THE REAL SHIT! I wanted to be the REAL ME! I wanted my mojo, my fire back! I wanted my life back! I wanted to taste some respect! Some self-respect!

Ever since, I decided to go for it! To DO IT! I have not returned to that sad motherfucker I use to call 'Me.' I chose to be the man I am! I am not backing down from nobody. I am not running from nobody. I am thinking about the past. I am in the present. I am in the Self. I am in the Respect. I am in the Desire. I am in the Design. It is all there! I can taste it, the pleasure to live the life I know I can live.

 

 

I want to thank the Buddha, The Rollins Band, the Self, and the many other individuals, philosophers, experiences, fiends, friends, foes, allies, haters, lovers, nay-sayers, hip-hop hoorayers out there who just get it done! When you get so tired of being 'low,' what do you expect to do? Where do you expect to go? Well, I know I am not going no where. I am going to face it head on like I suffered. I know there are consequences, but these consequences lead to rewards to birth one's confidence. To end he silence in suffering!

 

This blog is dedicated to the ones who hurt inside! You don;t need to live that way! It is time to sacrifice...the suffering. Otherwise, there will never be no peace, just suffering; Don't turn your body, your mind, and your soul into a prison; turn it into a passion-machine!

Rollins Band - You Didn't Need

I'm not down
I can't deny it
I didn't want it but I got it anyway
I didn't want it and I couldn't get away
Even though it hurts inside
I miss you
I keep a lie alive
In my dreams I kiss you

Everything I said to you
I wrack my brain trying to remember
I wreck my brain trying to dismember
I'm sorry I still feel this pain inside
It shows on my face like a scar
Some people are better left alone
Any part attached to you
It's something I can't hide
It hurts so much when you have nothing to say
It hurts so much to have to walk away

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #1 - My Summer Vacation

REFLEXIVE PSYCHOLOGY - The Art of the Self: Reflexive Thought #1 - My Summer Vacation: "My Summer Vacation I am sitting in my apartment. It's around 12 noon. I have 3 to 4 weeks before Fall Semester starts again. This has bee..."

Reflexive Thought #1 - My Summer Vacation

My Summer Vacation

 I am sitting in my apartment. It's around 12 noon. I have 3 to 4 weeks before Fall Semester starts again. This has been one chill summer vacation. I have actually had plenty of time to reflect and think about my next steps toward achieving my goals. I have learned in situations like this that these steps are to be taken cautiously. Every move I make is done with the utmost caution. Hmmm....this behavioral cue is a clue to my revitalized state of mind.

Furthermore, I say to myself at this moment, "This is the best summer I have ever had." I was immobile. I was tolerable. I was silent. I was selective. I was patient. I was introspective. I was clever. I am better than ever. I used this time to invest my energy into endeavors, which to illuminate my personality. I had time to practice a better diet, cook natural-healthy food, and balance a budget. I had time to read books. I had time to start writing my very first book. I had opportunity to see some concerts, visit some museum exhibits, drink at a pub, experience some events, and sun bath at the beach, I had time to plan my next vacation, traveling exploits. I had time to plan my classes for the next two years before graduating from school. I had time to set-up some projects. I, even, had time to sleep, relax, rest, and release.

Why am I saying all of this? Because, it needs to be said. Sometimes, we all need a break. Sometimes, we all can be so overwhelmed in life that we never get time to rest, to think, to breathe, or to live; these distractions, illusions can pile up to a point that barricade us from our humble beginnings before the this sudden maelstrom. This summer was truly a vacation. It had nothing to really do with traveling to different countries or different cities, or going to numerous parties, or getting heavily inebriated to the point of no return, or having lots of money to waste, although it never hurts to have some of it in moment like these.

This vacation was truly a sigh of relief. This vacation was the first time in my life I began to see where I am headed in my life. From what I can I have seen, my present is headed in the right place. When your senses and mind are lucid; you will have total autonomy in your life. It's a wonderful feeling to have control of your life & mind. This feeling makes you feel alive again. I feel just like that; Alive.

I have had some much time to reflect, revise, regress, and revamp my spirit. It was a gift that no once could have ever replace or given to me in a more opportune moment. It meant a whole lot to breath fresh air again (Well, the smog present in the LA air is not what we could call fresh, but it will do).

I am ready for the next level. I am ready for what is to come, and the best part is I can utilize my energy, my tools, and my efforts to make the present state procures the image of my future state. I live in the present for the past has vanquished and the future is an illusion. I don't believe in illusions or talk of delusions. I think of the now. I feel of the now! It is happening; right now!

What I am writing at this moment.
What I hear at this present moment.
What I fell at this present moment.
What I see at this present moment.

I see a computer screen with words from my mind to this page to your eyes reading these words to fill your mind with these thoughts then your thoughts which becomes our thoughts of many thoughts. Now, you are connected to the kinetic energy of the present. Its omnipresent.Your future is your present. A matter fact your future is now. The last word is now!