Reflexive Thought #3

 Reflexive Thought - A Ridiculous Rambling About Love?

I was reading Dostoevsky's The Dream of a Ridiculous Man while taking the train to downtown 7th Street Metro station. In the beginning of Part IV, he wrote, "All right, suppose it was nothing but a dream; still, the sensation of love left in me by those pure and beautiful people has stayed with me always. I still, to this day, feel their love flying out of me...."

I kind of thought about those sentence I read when the train arrived into 7th Street Station. Love?  I am in hysterical laughter at the thought of it; plus, I recollect to the many episodes, in which, I believed, I felt, or I thought that I was in love. It is such thin concept to me, now. I know there is more to love then what I have experience in my recollections. From this inquisitive after thought, I take a minute to reflect with a cup of Chamomile Tea at the downtown Starbucks (Where have all the real coffeehouses gone? I miss the smell of real Cappuccino! Ah!).

In this introspective state, I procure the following questions:
How do we know we are in it? Love?
How do we know when we feel? Love?
How can we Sense it? Touch it? Taste it? See it? or, Define it? Love?

Pure and simple, we don't know when. It something unpredictable. Love has been defined in myriad journals, books, poems, idylls, lyrics, movies, videos, painting, drawings, songs and proses, etc. I, myself, can't even account when I have been truly in love for the many romantic-manic episodes I have relished in; whether, they were relationships, dates, or marriages. Yeah, I said the dreaded M word 'marriage.' Yuck! However, the inference remains to be open to interpretation, which is: Why we have these manic episodes of love? Because, I believe, in my situation, that I didn't understand the conditions of love at the time I supposedly felt I was in love. What a stupid as to be caught in such a funk like a fink!

When we say we are in love, we have to account for certainty. Not calamity! To claim love in an assumptive manner, is a claim left empty by thoughtless action derived from pure hyperactivity, basically, 'Mania.' What is the rush? When we get struck by this chord of love? What is the rush? When we want to obtain this emotional experience? When in this state, we all seem to be as little children in a candy store with a hand full of cash and eyes wide open to all the delicious-sweet treats our sinful hearts desire.....

Desire? Now, that word has some relation to love. For in desire, we transform into this state of objectification in longing or in attachment to accolade(s) to represent our suffering. This suffering, supposedly, will relinquish the cessation toward a reward cloaked in love.

Suffering? Another word associated in the influence of one's desire toward an accolade that represents what one's objectification has influenced this cessation. In this cessation, their is much pain, sacrifice that postulates into an result of obtaining the object that represents our love.

In all, those few words are as close as I could describe as love, or that feeling of what is love. Whether it is imagined or obtained in simple purity. One thing is for certain from my bouts of love, I have learned in the past year, from last summer until now, is there is the one thing we all must face in our voyage upon attaining this powerful entity of human behavior: ourselves. We all have been raised by the grand idea that love is this magical spectacle you can obtain if you were to follow certain behavioral cues with the right job, the right car, the right people, the right personality, the right words, the right clothes, the right shoes, or even, the right hairstyle. That, this phenomenon can conquer all and sooth our souls.

Yes. Maybe, love could do that very thing; however, I am sorry to tell some of you; this is not necessarily correct, in most cases. If you are going to be truly in love, first, you have to believe, to cherish and to love yourself.

Loving yourself is reflexive of how we will see others in ourselves, as well, how we will dress, how we will live, how we will diet, how we will conquer, and who we will survive amongst others. Every decision we make and every thing we do will be reflexive of what we see in ourselves. If, we can't love yourself, then being in love with another person, a piece of art work, a song, and an idea, will not fill the void that hallows away in our hearts. A hallow barrel the size of a shotgun barrel. This scare will remain to tarnish our existences while we search for the one thing that can answer the question that separates us from the truth of love That truth being: ourselves. It's reflexive of who we are as human beings.

Man, talking about running in circles. I rather be in a rocking chair sippin' on a lemonade while watching the sunset and smokin' a fat bowl from the pipe of love. The pipe I made from love. Now, that is a great image of love; knowing, I have already contain it, and obtained it, in myself.  Perhaps, this may have answered some of the questions of love in myself and for ourselves. Perhaps, just perhaps this is love.