Reflexive Thought #2

Reflexive Thought - How low can I make myself go?

Rollins Band Low Self Opinion Lyrics:
I think you got a low self opinion man
I see you standing all by yourself
Unable to express the
pain of your distress
You withdraw deeper inside
You alienate yourself
And everybody else
They wonder what's on your mind
They got so tired of you
And your self ridicule
They wrote you off and left you behind........

 

I remember when I heard this song years ago. Rollins is always on the level and he knows his shit! The hedonistic savage poet of the spoken word rhyme. He always on the dime. Always. I keep think about how I projected my self as years rolled on. 

This song personifies an individual in a tug-of-war with the reality of being low. I mean 'low' & 'feeble.' That songs rings in my head everytime I think of how I had many times set myself up for the dramarama! Not drama from outside my reach, but drama when it came to females and confidence in my endeavors. The ability to make myself feel so low. It was bullshit!

I kept experiencing this 'bullshit' as time went on until I reached a point of 'lowness;' that point where patheticness  wasn't exist, because you've exhausted beyond recognition to become synonymous with 'utter shameful stupidity (break out the tissues & violins Irene).' I could not endure the disappointment and sadness I restricted myself to. The punishment was exhausting. I was exhausted. I couldn't take it any more. I think it hit me hard when I left San Francisco last summer around May. The environment was vicious, the people were unbearable, and I was wasting my time trying to accomplish a goal in a place where the rules are not in accord with my lifestyle. Everywhere I went and everyone I met was like a brick wall that I kept pounding with my fist and screaming at the top of my lungs until I lost my voice! Unbearable!

The temptation to feel this 'lowness,' this 'emptiness,' this 'patheticness' is the perfect example of someone who is at strife with their self! The strife for what exactly? This strife could not go on any longer. 

This is when, I start to reflect back to my youth. I remember my 7th grade social studies class at East Millbrook Middle School in Raleigh, NC. In social studies class, I watched many films and read chapters on many different martyrs and civil rights leaders in history around the world. For instance, M. Gandhi, G. Maier, M.L. King, Jr., and Malcolm X, etc. The one thing I learned from these people was they sacrificed for those who suffered. They believe if they were to suffer as they people or suffer while the people suffered there would be some sort of change. I believe in this power to suffer, but what I did not take into account was the result from this action. The other thing was who would join me in this suffering? That probably what attracted me to punk music. The lifestyle was geared toward social change. I believed I could make a difference.

As years passed on, the only difference I saw was the economy, politics, my finances, my residences, my friends, my jobs, and my opportunities all putting me into a box. I was emotionally-physically abused by my stepfather, heavily as a child, but my suffering was focused upon sacrifice for a sociological standpoint (this abuse wasn't a focal point in my 'lowness,' but it did help keep the weight on my shoulder during sometime in my adolescent and early adult years). Yeah, I was always swindled out of money. That seem to be the only motivation I saw by others. Their motivation to gain more money, in which they would haqve more power. More power of what? 

 

I am a person who literally follows a creed; I would follow these philosophies or rules without breaking from theme; yet, everyone around was always breaking the rules. Everyone was being wishy-washy! Yet, I knew that I would learn something from this attitude and gain a greater respect for myself and for those I respect. But, what was it and when would I?

This apex finally arrived when my self-loathing behavior it a high note! I would literally deprave myself until I realized, 'I didn't have to live this way!' Finally, that light bulb turned on! Valhalla! I thought at that moment, 'Why do I even bother to care about them or what they think?' I would tell myself that 'I didn't care' until one day I stop telling myself to not care about the bullshit! Exactly, my detachment from this circus I called 'truth' and evolve to something called "self-respect.'

I decided one day, "I want to have better food, better women, better drink, better times, better clothes, better relationships, better travel, better adventures, and a better life." I wanted to live my life. I wanted to stop letting myself be a punching bag for others, at the same time, punching myself in the balls! I want to exhale this BULLSHIT and inhale THE REAL SHIT! I wanted to be the REAL ME! I wanted my mojo, my fire back! I wanted my life back! I wanted to taste some respect! Some self-respect!

Ever since, I decided to go for it! To DO IT! I have not returned to that sad motherfucker I use to call 'Me.' I chose to be the man I am! I am not backing down from nobody. I am not running from nobody. I am thinking about the past. I am in the present. I am in the Self. I am in the Respect. I am in the Desire. I am in the Design. It is all there! I can taste it, the pleasure to live the life I know I can live.

 

 

I want to thank the Buddha, The Rollins Band, the Self, and the many other individuals, philosophers, experiences, fiends, friends, foes, allies, haters, lovers, nay-sayers, hip-hop hoorayers out there who just get it done! When you get so tired of being 'low,' what do you expect to do? Where do you expect to go? Well, I know I am not going no where. I am going to face it head on like I suffered. I know there are consequences, but these consequences lead to rewards to birth one's confidence. To end he silence in suffering!

 

This blog is dedicated to the ones who hurt inside! You don;t need to live that way! It is time to sacrifice...the suffering. Otherwise, there will never be no peace, just suffering; Don't turn your body, your mind, and your soul into a prison; turn it into a passion-machine!

Rollins Band - You Didn't Need

I'm not down
I can't deny it
I didn't want it but I got it anyway
I didn't want it and I couldn't get away
Even though it hurts inside
I miss you
I keep a lie alive
In my dreams I kiss you

Everything I said to you
I wrack my brain trying to remember
I wreck my brain trying to dismember
I'm sorry I still feel this pain inside
It shows on my face like a scar
Some people are better left alone
Any part attached to you
It's something I can't hide
It hurts so much when you have nothing to say
It hurts so much to have to walk away